pet peeves

[norman]

Pet Peeves

Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills
now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail
in with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when
I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw
this away for me? Thank you."

Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.
Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off).
That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but
it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Cripes
My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be,
Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly'. I'm not
making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in
the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And
the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the
morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere
near our optic nerve.

Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my
god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward
Reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your
stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your
hand...It won't be long now..."

Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that
dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Reverse Life Cycle:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is
tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of
it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all
backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live
in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a
gold watch, you got to work. You work forty years until you're young
enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you
get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you
play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go
back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you
finish off as an orgasm.

Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards
for commercials. The Clio Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I
taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs
90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I
feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T
KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what
you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone
sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."
Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'"
Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being
positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."